When animals rule your life

While other people’s lives were somehow organized, with ups and downs, my life was like jumping from one muddy hole to the next.

Sometimes I got stuck, sometimes I moved on smoothly, but I was always full of mud.

Some people have read my biography “The Owl Whisperer”.

I would have liked to have written a sequel but that is (still?) a bit difficult legally.

You’re not allowed to name people, of course – not even if you turn a short red-haired ex-boyfriend into a tall black-haired neighbor.

So why do I want to write about it at all?

I don’t know – at least not for attention, likes or pity. On the contrary.

Not for help either. I’ve always lived like this.

In response to my story about whether I should write more about it, someone wrote to me saying that I should go to psychotherapy for anxiety.

Why? I don’t know any different and I don’t feel like I’m ill or in need of help.

No, I just want to talk about what I’ve experienced and maybe there are one or two others who either do it better or aren’t ashamed of what they are.

I don’t experience my fears as such.

Not like the fear of going into the cellar at night or walking through a dark forest.

Rather, it’s just kind of loud in my head.

Even the fears – I’ve always lived with them.

I’m quite good at blocking them out.

Cities scare me. But perhaps in a different way than you might imagine.

For example, I was in Düsseldorf city center yesterday. There was noise from everywhere, ambulances, police, people everywhere.

Traffic jam….

But what’s much more important are these houses on the main road.

Behind every window I wonder who lives there.

What people do….

Noises are a big issue for me.

Extractor hoods and hairdryers are bad, but I learned that too at some point.

It’s like being in a tunnel and I don’t notice much from outside.

What does all this have to do with photography?

Someone wrote to me again earlier: you’re ruining yourself. You have to raise your prices.

Yes, I know that, but I want to show something with my photography and I want to feel good.

Unfortunately, it’s another autistic thing.

I don’t feel comfortable with raising prices.

But maybe more on that later.

My love of animals was so important, but it’s also gotten me into a lot of trouble in life

Autistic people can form very strong emotional bonds with animals, especially dogs, which give them a sense of belonging and familiarity.

I’ve felt that for as long as I can remember.

Maybe animals were my family? No matter what they were, they defined my life in every way.

I always got on quite well with people. However, I always lacked closer bonds.

Animals mean everything to me. They fascinate me in every conceivable way.

I can forget people and I have forgotten many.

That doesn’t happen to me with animals.

Self-worth and self-doubt

As an autistic person, you like to lose yourself so that others feel better.

And other people notice very quickly how they can manipulate you and without even realizing it, you’re already in the middle of it.

I always wanted to protect my animals.

I’ve always managed to protect them from attacks by other animals.

Not from human attacks.

Bad people immediately realized that I could only be attacked through my animals.

In a relationship with a very dangerous person, I didn’t notice anything for a long time.

Until I stopped functioning as I “should” in one thing and that’s when it started.

I had a few difficult relationships and had read somewhere that autistic people easily slip into them.

First things happened like: I was abandoned in a strange city. I was locked up on the property so that I could get out but neither my car nor my dogs could.

And at some point, my dogs were tortured whenever I wasn’t functioning.

They didn’t get any food, for example, and were locked up in little dungeons.

I often smuggled old bread rolls. There was nothing else left.

They were beaten and tortured with electricity.

At some point, I did everything that was asked of me.

Months earlier, my dogs had not been accepted and I had to sleep on the street with them.

I wanted to give them a better life. Me too, of course.

And there I was in the next muddy hole.

No chance of getting out of there unscathed.

It didn’t matter much to me, but it did to my animals. Where to go with 4 dogs? And my rabbits?

Back on the street? Without money? How far would I have gotten with the dogs? Without a car …..

At some point you broke, just so your animals wouldn’t have to suffer.

The fear was huge, every single day.

There were moments when you couldn’t breathe.

And every day you put it off, out of necessity.

If only nothing happened, maybe there would be a solution tomorrow.

With each day that I was inconspicuous, everything became easier for my animals and when they were no longer locked up, I waited again for a favorable opportunity.

Now, from a distance, I would also say: yes, why didn’t you do anything about it?

It’s easy to say now, but it was impossible.

I was alone.


Once we were at an event and a dog was being mistreated.

I stood up and wanted to smack the owner, take the dog away, do something.

I was stopped from doing this and it was whispered to me that it could happen to my dogs very quickly.

The powerlessness was unbearable. Worse than the relationships in which I was subjected to violence.

Even if I had run to the police, I knew that I was putting my animals in danger.

At some point you also give up on yourself to some extent. You can go anywhere on your own. Somehow.

I’ve never talked about it. Never, with anyone, and I don’t know if I ever talk about all the details.

Neither about this relationship, nor about two others.

As for me personally, I’ve blocked it out.

One thing autistic people are very good at.

Don’t forget – you can’t confuse the two. I will never forget.

But I repress it and it’s part of my life, like many other things.

The last dog from that time died years ago at an advanced age and still had a good life.

But this was also my downfall in the recent past.

I was taken advantage of and lied to without realizing it.

Because it was about the animals.

You always think that people who live with animals can’t be bad.

Far from it.

In all cases, they were people who lived closely with animals and managed to deceive everyone.

The time with the animals

I have always enjoyed the time when I was alone with the animals.

No constraints, no pressure. Just the fascination of what they are.

How much more they can take than me. How strong they are.

Recharge your batteries and fade out.

Just like with photography. That’s why animal photography is my specialty.

With both, I block out everything that’s going on around me.

But you can’t live on air, love and animals.

And the requests were there.

You just have to overcome your fears.

That brings us back to the beginning.

If I could make people happy, it was fine for me and I was happy.

But there were also people who had other ideas.

Stupid circumstances, shootings where I also had different expectations but we all couldn’t fulfill them.

Be it that animals are not machines and don’t always “work” the way we want them to.

Be it due to poor lighting, the wrong location, outside interference – it can be so many things.

Humans aren’t like that either and you might have to guide them.

Something that is also difficult for me.

I don’t want to lead and tell others what to do.

It also has something to do with concentration. Of course I can multitask and sitting still doesn’t suit me.

Animals don’t need much guidance. Especially not wild animals.

You can observe and soak up the silence.

The thoughts that are always screaming in my head are suddenly there on their own. That feels so good.

Taking photos and talking at the same time … I still find that difficult.

I also always feel like I’m destroying the moment.

Some of my colleagues are great at that.

“Yes, now, that’s right… no, back the animal again…”

Difficult.

Animals are so predictable for me. People are not.

Short and sweet

Even though I talk and talk a lot, I like it short and sweet.

I can’t process long text messages sometimes.

Or emails. No offense meant, but I love it when it says: Friday, 27.09. at 3 p.m. Shooting.

That gets stuck in my head.

Lots of text around it is difficult.

I’m already very flexible, but if I have a division in my head, I start to stumble when it changes.

Or what is also such an issue…. -)

It can look like a mess in a room (although I like things to be super tidy – Chris and I have fundamentally different ideas about that, though) – if the sweetener isn’t in its usual place, for example, I get into a real slump

It always has to be to the right of the coffee machine.

Small things that are completely uninteresting to others are super difficult for me.

Open drawers get me down.

Instead, I come home from the shoot covered in muck from top to bottom.

Security

Something I’ve wanted all my life.

Security.

And I know it will never come.

But if you think you’re not good the way you are or if you doubt yourself and many others…. Hey, I’ve made it this far

Everyone else should be able to do much better.

Of course I admire the business women and those with the tough skin who defy all criticism, but I’ve tried many times and I’m just not like that.

Honesty and justice are super important to me.

What do I want?

Autism is not a disease and I don’t want to be cured.

For me, it’s just who I am.

And no matter what you are and how you are – everyone is right the way they are.

I also don’t want any understanding or excuses (maybe a tiny bit sometimes, laugh. When I mess things up again).

No consideration either.

Ok, unannounced visits really stress me out. And if I mess up or mix something up again…..